Game On!!!

Daniel Olstad • August 18, 2022

A New Season Is Upon Us. 5 Tips for Parents on GameDay

The start of the league season is upon us with games kicking off this weekend. We are all; players, coaches and parents, excited. The weeks and practices leading up to the first games are always enjoyable and important, but we all know the players just want to get out on the field and play and compete.

Just like you, I am a parent, and I am excited to see my son and daughter out on the field doing something they love. Soccer is a way of life in our house. It is my career, it is on the tv religiously, I read about it, I live it and that had transferred onto my wife and kids. We are a soccer house through and through. We love and live the game. It is this time of year though that I am called to remind our club parents, guardians, aunts, uncles, and grandparents what the game is really about and how we should be on the sidelines.

1. It’s A Game!

There is another team, a referee, and other fans. There are a dozen other games going on at the complex and the atmosphere around the facility can create a false sense of importance. I am not saying the games aren’t important in some way. We want the players to compete, work hard, and do their best but when it comes down to it this is a game being played by kids.

They may succeed on the field, or they may fail. They may win and they may lose (they can even tie). What is most important is whether they love being on the field playing the game. This is not life or death, and your child will not succeed or struggle in life based on the result of a game. The referee and a good call or not so good call will not determine the college or university your child attends and whether they become a lawyer or solve the climate crisis. This is a game and while we tend to put importance on these moments, they will more often than not mean very little in the grand scheme of life, except for the enjoyment and memories made.

2. Let Us Coach!

As a parent or guardian, you drop your player off at practice multiple times a week and you trust us a coaches to work with your child. You trust us to help them improve and challenge them to be their best, both as individuals and as a team. And then game day comes.

Once that whistle blows to start the game too often everyone becomes a coach. That trust you had in us in those practices is gone and you start telling Johnny and Sally where to go, what to do, who to pass to, and dear god don’t pass it in front of the goal! What happened? Where did the trust you had in your child’s coach go?

While you may have played at a high level, or not at all, or you may have coached before, what your are doing is counterproductive to your player and the team and disrespectful to the coach. You may think you know what you are saying but if you have not sat in on practices or team talks then you do not know what the coach is asking your player to do at any moment. Because of this you could be giving you player and other players the wrong information and instruction that is the opposite of what the coach wants. This can be confusing for players and frustrating for coaches. So simply put, STOP!!!

For players, especially at a young age, they are always going to want to make their parent/guardian happy, so when you tell them what to do they are going to default to listening to you. Also, they don’t want to get in the car and listen to how they should have done x, y, or z during the game from mom or dad, so again they are going to do their best to listen to you and make sure you are happy. At that point as a coach I might as well not even be there. When you and I compete for your child focus and attention you will always win. So when you coach from the sideline you are taking away my authority on the field and your child’s willingness to listen to me and the instructions and advice I give.

Please do me and all coaches a favor, let us do the coaching.

3. Referee!!!!

This one is very simple and straight forward. Leave the referee and their assistants alone. Without them your child wouldn’t be able to play. They are human and just like you, me, and your child, they are going to make mistakes. Their mistakes don’t give you the right to say a single word to them let alone berate their intelligence or question their ability to officiate the game. If you are so good at officiating, we are now in a constant shortage so please let me know and I can pass on all the information for refereeing courses to you so you can show us how it’s done.

Go back to #1 in this article and remind yourself this is just a game and will not determine my child’s future.

4. Cheer them on!

At some point your child’s playing career is going to be over. Even if they are the one in a million that goes pro, at some point it ends. So take the time to cheer them on with passion. Encourage them, root for them, and give them extra energy through positivity and encouragement that they need. Bring a cow bell, bring a drum, paint your face. Have fun being a fan of your kid and the kids around them. They may say you are embarrassing but too bad. As a parent these moments are fleeting, and you can make them fun too. It’s game and you shouldn’t be on the sideline racked with stress. Take that stress and release it in a positive way by being your player’s and your team’s biggest fan.

5. After The Game.

You know what kids love? Getting in the car after a game and being critiqued about their performance in the game they just finished. They love being told how they could have done better, or missed a chance to do this, or should have worked harder. It is super motivating and they look forward to those conversations.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, I am being very sarcastic.

I can tell you the general rule in our house for car rides home and soccer in general. If the kids don’t bring it up we aren’t talking about it. I am a USSF A Licensed coach which puts me in a pretty high echelon of knowing what I am talking about. There are plenty of times I see my kids do things on the field that I question in my head and would love to discuss with them but I know when we get in the car after the game the last thing they want is to discuss their shortcomings. Instead, we focus on the positives in their performances, and it always leads with the following statement:

“I loved watching you play today!”

This is always a true statement. I love watching them play and they should know it. Regardless of their performance, maybe they had a great game or maybe it was their worst, I love watching my kids play a game that means so much to me and taught me so much about life growing up. I love to see their passion, their effort, their joy, and even their despair in moments of struggle. I love to see them accept challenges, compete, be a teammate, and push themselves to succeed and learn to accept and work through failure.

Whatever we discuss after that statement is something in regard to the positives in their play in the game that day, unless they bring up something that happened that they want to discuss. I ask you to try this out and see the effect it has on your player and your relationship for the car ride home.

I wish everyone the best of luck this season. Enjoy the time on the field and play, coach, and cheer with passion. I have a lot more tips for game day but let’s leave it at these five for now. As parents you are part of our soccer village and what you do means so much to your player, their teammates, their team, and our club. Enjoy the time on the sideline watching your player. Be a part of helping them to love the game and creating great memories that they can share with their kids one day

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There Is No Need To Yell

By Daniel Olstad • February 17, 2025

Throughout my coaching career, I've never been a yeller. While I might raise my voice occasionally to address the entire team, and, particularly in my early years, I sometimes lost my composure over questionable calls (a behavior I've since learned to manage), these instances were rare. One thing I don't do is yell at players. I've found it counterproductive, counterintuitive, and, frankly, it looks terrible to yell at a child playing a game. There are better and more productive ways to motivate that lead to better results in terms of long term development. Am I demanding? Absolutely. Do I have expectations? Yes. However, I've learned that providing players with clear, concise, and valuable information yields far greater long-term developmental success than yelling ever could. Game knowledge, the ability to deliver quality practices, and connecting with players on a personal level while genuinely caring about their well-being have earned me more respect from players over the years. Some parents have even asked why I don't yell more, with a few even requesting that I do so, believing their child responds well to it. I can explain precisely why I don't yell at players and why I believe it's wrong, especially in youth sports. Yelling at players to motivate them reveals a lack of intrinsic motivation. These players rely on external motivators to perform at their best, hindering long-term development. Yelling triggers the amygdala's fear response, impairing clear thinking and information processing. Even if a player responds after being yelled at, the motivation is primarily to avoid further reprimands, a fear-based reaction known in psychology as positive punishment (the addition of a negative stimulus). A more effective approach is demonstrating the correlation between choices and consequences. Instead of yelling, explain the benefits of desired actions. For example, instead of yelling at a player who fails to recover defensively, resulting in a goal, explain that failing to track their player will lead to more scoring opportunities for the opponent. Conversely, sprinting back will help prevent those chances. Consequences for consistently failing to meet expectations, such as reduced playing time, should also be clearly communicated. Accountability is best maintained through clearly defined standards and expectations. When these are established and understood by everyone, there's no need for yelling. Simply state the unmet expectation and the corresponding consequence. For example, "You were a distraction during practice when you should have been listening, so you will not start the next game." Leading by example is crucial. Even when frustrated, coaches should demonstrate emotional intelligence by calmly articulating their concerns. During challenging games, instead of yelling, focus on developing and communicating a plan to improve the situation, ensuring players understand the necessary adjustments and their rationale. Yelling is unacceptable in most professions. No parent would suggest yelling as a helpful strategy to a teacher, dentist, or doctor. Imagine a parent saying, "Screaming at Billy will really help his reading," or "Berating Sally will make her floss," or "Yelling at my child in front of everyone is the best way to get them to eat more fruit." Such scenarios highlight the absurdity of using yelling as a motivational tactic. While I strive for consistency, I'm not perfect, and there might be occasions when I raise my voice or even yell. However, I've learned that far more effective methods exist to maximize player performance, earn their respect, and guide their long-term development as both athletes and individuals. These include: Game Knowledge and Clear Communication: Effectively conveying the who, what, where, why, and when of teaching is essential. A Positive Learning Environment: Creating a space where players feel valued, respected, and challenged is paramount. Personal Connection: Taking a genuine interest in players' lives beyond the sport fosters a connection that translates to increased effort and respect on the field. Simple conversations about favorite foods or school can make a significant difference, regardless of the player's age. Understanding Child Development: Recognizing the specific needs of different age groups is crucial. For example, young children thrive on activity. Structuring practices that keep them engaged and moving minimizes boredom and behavioral issues. Positive Reinforcement: As my first coaching instructor emphasized, "Catch them being good!" Praising positive actions, even if the outcome isn't perfect, is scientifically proven to yield better long-term results than any other method. Praise a good pass, a well-taken shot (even if it misses), or a good decision (even if it results in a turnover). Address the technical errors separately. The use of positive reinforcement to shape behavior and desired actions was solidified by observing my wife's previous career as a marine mammal trainer. Trainers use positive reinforcement to shape animal behavior. Desired actions are rewarded, while undesired ones are simply ignored. This positive approach encourages the animals to perform behaviors willingly, knowing they'll be praised and rewarded. (Don't tell the kids, but I treat them a lot like my wife used to treat the sea lions and seals!) In conclusion, neither I nor any coach within our club will yell at your player. There are far more effective ways to encourage performance, learning, and development. Carlo Ancelotti, the current Real Madrid coach and the most successful coach in UEFA Champions League history (with five titles), provides a compelling example. In a recent book about his leadership, former players and staff consistently noted his calm demeanor, recounting only one or two instances of him yelling or expressing anger, and never on the field. If a coach of his caliber, working with players like Vinícius Júnior, Mbappé, and Bellingham, doesn't need to yell to achieve success, then I certainly don't need to yell to help your player develop and, most importantly, enjoy the game.